Programming note: A huge thanks to all who participated last Wednesday. I was overwhelmed by the response. There was some BRILLIANT stuff! Mr. Linky will return in 2 weeks for you to link to your funniest post.

My post today is from my dear bloggy friend Janet over at The Planet of Janet. She can make me laugh harder than almost anyone around. She posted this for last week's "It's not me, It's you Wednesday" Mr. Linky. She handpicked it for me because she thought I would enjoy it. She is good. I nearly fell off my chair...

Intestinal fortitude:

This is a difficult week for those of us of the Jewish persuasion -- of which I count myself a member.

It's Passover -- truly a lovely holiday that is all about the celebration of freedom from slavery.

I love this holiday. I love the traditions. I love the two nights of seder dinners with their traditional foods. I love the way the foods are meant to represent parts of the story -- the charoset (the mortar of the bricks the Jews made for the pharaohs of ancient Egypt), the bitter herb (representing the bitterness of slavery), the matzah (the unleavened bread that the Jews took on their flight from Egypt because they couldn't wait for the bread to rise).

Yes, I love it all.

Well, almost all.

I hope it's OK if I tell you a little secret:

Shhhhhh.

Matzah really IS the bread of our affliction.

Or, to put it another way: Holy Moses! I am so freakin' constipated!!!!!

Ah, matzah, I love you, but you do not love me.

There is nothing that binds us Jews together like the traditional solidifying of our intestinal tract into a concrete block.

And please, let's not talk about the after-effects of my favorite take-to-work-during-Passover lunch: melted cheese on a matzah.

That sound you heard was my colon grinding to a halt.

Now, when I was a small child and going to seders at the home of the family matriarch (my paternal grandmother -- and you BETTER not cross this woman ... and I'm serious, young lady!), there was always something that puzzled me about the meal.

She always served this nauseating fruit compote thing for dessert.

All us kids would stare at it in horror and try to pass it off to the person to our right. Uh, no thanks, Grandma. Really! I couldn't eat another bite!

Right nasty it was, all pale and slimy-looking in a bowl.

But it wasn't until years later that I had an epiphanous moment.

It was stewed fruit, people. Apricots, peaches and PRUNES!

My grandma knew even way back then the importance of this traditional phrase:

"Let my people GO!!!!!!!!!!"

28 comments:

Eudae-mamia said...

LMAO! That is awesome! No ifs, ands, or, well you know.

Em

Natalie said...

that is hilarious! i've never had matzah. i'm pretty sure it would do me in since i already have issues in this area. note to self...don't become jewish.

Brea said...

Bwwwwaaahahahahahahahaaaaa!!! Holly, you are too freakin' funny. I love a good Texas gal-to-Texas gal laugh in the morning! :)

~Brea

Karen said...

That's too funny!!!!! What an industrious granny!

MoziEsmé said...

Oh no! Though I've discovered that grape juice works wonders with constipated babies. So that communion combination was probably divinely inspired, too.

jill jill bo bill said...

This is a gas! Since my dad called my kid's pacifiers "plugs", I love that you did posts two days in a row about plugs. Good choice in Janet.

binky ink said...

LOL!

Connie said...

That is so funny! Grandma is a really smart lady!

Lori said...

Just spit my water out laughing!

Mandy said...

So funny!!!!

Momo Fali said...

Classic! That explains why my Jewish brother-in-law is so grumpy!

Maggie May said...

i know the song from teaching preschool at Chabad for a year ' let my people GO! '

Maggie May said...

i know the song from teaching preschool at Chabad for a year ' let my people GO! '

Maggie May said...

i know the song from teaching preschool at Chabad for a year ' let my people GO! '

Suzie said...

LOL

Colleen said...

Oh Janet...I hope you resolve your "going" problem! (Thinking of those strange little robot men on the pee pee medicine commercial.)

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I will never think of Passover the same way again ;)

Scary Mommy said...

HILARIOUS! Never heard that take on it, but I couldn't agree more!

Jenni Jiggety said...

ROFL!

Jennifer H said...

Ha! I laughed out loud...hilarious!

Holly Jahangiri said...

ROFL!!

Headless Mom said...

I'm so glad I saved this for a moment. ROFLMAO.

Thanks Holly and Janet!

Eternal Sunshine said...

I loved this post. Janet is the funniest!

and I completely forgot to participate this week, so i will have to jump in next week...

Still giggling at this...

Domestic Accident said...

OH, my. That was hilarious. Good pick.

Trannyhead said...

That's so hawt.

What is it with old people and those nasty fruit desserts? I had this decrepit old great great great great great aunt who would make this crap called "ambrosia." Which sounds lovely. Except that it looked like a bowl of barf with marshmallows on top as the only redeeming quality. I remember I used to fish out the marshmallows and try to NOT pick up any of the fruit.

Yeah - I was healthy even then.

Hawt!

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Grandmas are geniuses, in every religion.

Courtney said...

That was hilarious and I really hope she is "relieved" now!

~ Straight Shooter ~ said...

Oh, she's a HOOT!
Thanks for sharin'!

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