8:14 AM

When minivans attack (part II)...

Posted by Holly Homer |

Part I is here.

We left Bloody Holly in the parking lot of a world class hospital for a consultation with two physicians: blog-Stedman, MD and blog-Stedman, MD's partner, MD next to the minivan of death that looks like a boat from above:

Blog-Stedman, MD and blog-Stedman, MD's partner, MD have some medical opinions about what Bloody Holly should do:

Blog-Stedman, MD and blog-Stedman, MD's partner, MD both agree after examining Bloody Holly in the parking lot of the world class hospital that she requires the care of a Plastic Surgeon. The world class hospital does not have a Plastic Surgeon.

For an added degree of difficulty, the day that Bloody Holly decided to get attacked by her minivan is the Friday before New Year's Day weekend. Holiday weekends result in less hospital staff. Bloody Holly sure wouldn't want to do something easy.

Let's start the Great Plastic Surgeon Hunt of 2007! Bloody Holly starts by calling 411 to obtain the number of hospitals close to the world class hospital whose world class hospital parking lot she is currently located. When she finds out that the two closest hospitals do not have a Plastic Surgeon either, she starts calling hospitals a little further away:

Yeah! Bloody Holly found a hospital whose receptionist thinks they might have a Plastic Surgeon on call. Where is this hospital located?

The world class hospital #6 that according to the receptionist who answered the phone might have a Plastic Surgeon on call is located just 45 minutes away by minivan of death that looks like a boat from above. Let's go on a field trip to the hospital!

Yeah! The minivan of death that looks like a boat from above drops Bloody Holly off at the World Class Hospital #6 that according to the receptionist who answered the phone might have a Plastic Surgeon on call:

Bloody Holly fills out paperwork then sits in the ER waiting room of the World Class Hospital #6 that according to the receptionist who answered the phone might have a Plastic Surgeon on call.

She is then called in to the ER to fill out some more paperwork. She is then seen by a very patient ER Physician who went to medical school, internship and residency only to be told by Bloody Holly that he could not sew up her forehead that has been part of her body for more than 37 years because she needed to see a Plastic Surgeon as instructed by blog-Stedman, MD and blog-Stedman, MD's partner, MD.

The very patient ER Physician who went to medical school, internship and residency only to be told by Bloody Holly that he could not sew up her forehead that has been part of her body for more than 37 years admitted that the World Class Hospital #6's receptionist that answered the phone might be exaggerating a bit by calling the Plastic Surgeon "on-call".

The very patient ER Physician who went to medical school, internship and residency only to be told by Bloody Holly that he could not sew up her forehead that has been part of her body for more than 37 years said he would make a few calls on Bloody Holly's behalf.

An hour later the very patient ER Physician who went to medical school, internship and residency only to be told by Bloody Holly that he could not sew up her forehead that has been part of her body for more than 37 years returned with an address of a Plastic Surgeon who agreed to sew up Bloody Holly's head. Bloody Holly consulted a map to see where the Plastic Surgeon's office was located:

Bloody Holly called grandma who picked her up in the minivan of death that looks like a boat from above. Let's take a field trip to the Plastic Surgeon's office!

Yeah! The minivan of death that looks like a boat from above located the Plastic Surgeon's office. It appears that his North Texas location is very busy.

Bloody Holly walks in, well...all bloody. Bloody Holly looks around and notices that a lot of very beautiful people have chosen this fine afternoon to sit in the very busy North Texas Plastic Surgeon's office waiting room:

Bloody Holly sits in the very busy North Texas Plastic Surgeon's office waiting room with all the beautiful people. Her name is called very quickly. Bloody Holly wonders if the fact she is bloody might have contributed to the speed of her waiting room exit.

Bloody Holly is seen by the very busy North Texas Plastic Surgeon:

Yeah! The very busy North Texas Plastic Surgeon examines Bloody Holly and sews up her forehead that has been part of her body for more than 37 years. The great Plastic Surgeon hunt of 2007 is over.

When Bloody Holly isn't bloody anymore she surveys the damage. She, the artist, formerly known as Bloody Holly sees this:

Figure A: What Holly's forehead that has been part of her body for more than 37 years looks like without her hair.
Figure B: What Holly's forehead that has been part of her body for more than 37 years looks like with her hair.

Yeah! Holly's hair covers up evidence of the minivan attack. Holly can now go out on the town with blog-Stedman to celebrate 17 years of blissful marriage even though she didn't get her pedicure, shop, or buy/drink expensive coffee. Please don't expect a Christmas card in the 2008 season...

40 comments:

beachmom said...

I think the Angel Choir was my favorite ... somehow I could hear them through the hum of my computer!! You have no business blogging - I see a children's book (albeit a bit "dark") in your future!

MoscowMom said...

Yet again, you struck gold! I can't wait for your next illustrated post! I'm secretly looking forward to the next "blog-worthy" event I don't have my camera for so that I can try my hand at an illustrated post, too :-)

Glad you're ok. Any scarring?

frog ponds rock... said...

On that note, *insert angel choir* The Reader, often known as Kim,

Clutches her stomach, rocks in her chair and totally pisses herself laughing...

Thanks Holly..

Courtney said...

You definitely need to write children's books. I can't believe you did that much damage to yourself. Sorry but I can't stop laughing.

laughingatchaos said...

My God, I lost it at the Choir of Angels. LOL! You have a great talent here, babe! :)

Suzie said...

Oh no are you ok? I am so glad everything turned out alright. Great drawings.

JCK said...

Brilliant summation and the illustrations...well, let's just say GENIUS!

Baby Mama (Tamra) said...

These are awesome. Awesome.

Donna Rosenbloom said...

As I read Part 1 and Part 2, I thought the exact same thing as BeachMom - that you need to write children's books! Holly you definitely have a talent for telling a funny story with cute illustrations. I laughed all the way through it.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You have found your niche--this is like Bossy and her movie reenactments with headless Barbies and tampons!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I love the diamond ring on the beautiful person in the plastic surgeon's waiting room!

Jennifer H said...

First of all, Tootsie is very observant.

This was hilarious. I heard the angels, too.

And Blog Stedman, MD is way cuter than Blog Stedman, MD's partner. Maybe it's the glasses.

I love your illustrated posts.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

You slay me. That is all.

Don Mills Diva said...

Love love love the animated posts!

Misty said...

Angel Choir is my favorite, but this was the best blog post of the month! I loved it. You are too awesome!

Valarie said...

I loved the waiting room with all the beautiful people looking at Bloody Holly.

Lisa said...

I can't believe it took you so long to find a plastic surgeon in this city ;)
Loved it!

On a limb with Claudia said...

Yes, yes, plastic surgeon, yes, they sewed me up every time.

But I'll tell you this - please pass it to Blog-Stedman, MD. I feel qualified to give you this advice having been attacked by my car more than 6 times. (I got glasses - turns out I couldn't see the frickin' car out of my right eye until wack.)

A butterfly bandage applied immediately to the wound is better (meaning less scarring) than any world class plastic surgeon.

That's right. 25 cents worth of butterfly - well, I've used a few... we'll say 75 cents worth of butterfly bandages. Keep them in your purse. Avoid world class hospitals and plastic surgeons like the bird flu.

Off soap box... thanks for listening.

Oh, and a little vitamin E oil will help that scar. (Vitamin E on scar, then bandage at night - very sexy stuff for an MD.) You can go fancy silicone stuff but it's the vitamin E in it that works. Mederma is worthless.

P.S. I hope Blog-Stedman made up for it on your anniversary.

Madge said...

to think i knew you way back when.

Christine @ Serenity How? said...

Wow, you made a sequel that didn't stink! You need to go to Hollywood immediately. Do not pass Go. LOL!

So, what ever became of the favorite sweater?

P. S. Thanks for my bloggy award. I think you're pretty bloody excellent yourself. :)

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Thank goodness Grandma was available to drive BH around. And, I'm giggling over the hospitals. There are too many nearby, aren't there!?

LaskiGal said...

I'm still going over the illustrations. Seriously, I agree, children's books. Or, how to manuals :)

You must be OK. I mean, you gotta be to come up with a brilliant post like this!

the planet of janet said...

can.not.breathe.

send cute paramedic with oxygen mask to counteract laughing gas that is being emitted by june cleaver nirvana...

(wait. i think that sounded a little creepier than i intended. well, send the cute fireman anyway)

exskindiver said...

i too noted the great big bling on the beautiful person waiting with you...
hahahaha.
and i am sorry, being a shoe person, i actually need more than a crayola illustration of said super cute boots.
glad all is well.

Kalynne Pudner said...

I have anointed you with the Philosopher-Mom magic blogroll wand. (Does that or does that not get the Angel Choir going again?)

{Karla} said...

okay Bloody Holly... can I just say how jealous I am that I didn't think up this whole drawing and illustrating my posts like this.

*sigh* all of the good ideas are taken...


;0)

You are too funny.

xo ~K

Queen Mommy said...

Here is my question...

HOW long did it take you to do this???

A Mom Two Boys said...

Somehow I missed commenting on this yesterday...not sure how I let that happen.

Anyway, you're too funny. And talented. Is it just me or does Blog-Steadman look kinda like the guy from the Mac commercials? You know, the ones with Justin Long where he's the Mac and the other guy is the PC?

Elizabeth said...

Too Cute!
And so many of my art students were worried about drawing stick-figures...I think they are perfect!
Yay, Bloody Holly, Yay Blog-Steadman! Happy Anniversary!(belated)
(hope you didn't take the Mini-van of death out for your celebration)
Pax, EJT

Lil Mouse said...

hmm my nephew whacked his head on a scooter last year, he now has a perfect "baseball stitch" rounded scar that looks like he got hit with a fastball. they only had to take him 45 minutes to an hour (2nd hospital) to find a PS to stitch him up. how VERY odd, considering this is boonies boonies we are talking about and an hour is nuffin to get to a hospital, let alone a mall. i find it very odd you didnt have one 'nearby' hmm..

Christine @ Serenity How? said...

Holly, I have a little something for you here:

http://serenityhow.com/?p=113

...but it's not as good as a favorite sweater. :)

Rachel said...

The illustrations are awesome.
I puffy heart you and your writing.

The Wrath of Dawn said...

I am so glad to hear that Bloody Holly and her forehead that has been part of her body for more than 37 years have survived the sudden unexpected meeting with the door of the minivan of death that looks like a boat from above.

I, too, am jealous that I didn't think to use illustrations in posts before. Apparently, there are more brains behind your forehead than mine.

Jerseygirl89 said...

How I wish I could draw you a picture here, with the diet pepsi I just snorted running down my face. That was awesome.

David Rochester said...

I found you via Reality Testing ... oh my God, this was so damned funny.

Purple Teacup said...

When do you have the time to do this? I just don't understand! Miss ya.

EatPlayLove said...

WOW! I had a kick ball accident at the ripe age of 7, it was a disaster, long story short a Plastic surgeon sewed me back up, it's the Prettiest 40 stich scar ever.

Betsy Bird said...

Do you and your drawing talent hire out? Great post!

Elaine A. said...

Ok, those are better than stick figures - you can actually draw girl!

Great to meet you last night - it was a fun dinner! Hope we can do it again!

Sleeping with Ward Cleaver said...

Choir of angels--nice touch. Esp as it was around the holiday season and all ;-) .
And I like the Where in the World is Carmen San Diego map, too!
So glad hair covers the damage and all is well. Were the boots trashed?

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