June Cleaver Nirvana

Age is inversely proportional to the excitement over using a porta-potty.

If you buy a package of 18 big (18 x 2 = 36 regular) rolls at Sam's Club while your husband buys a package of 9 Mega (9 x 4 = 36 regular) rolls at Target how many weeks (7 days x _____) can you go without needing more toilet paper?

For your math convenience:


Print this handy, dandy toilet paper conversion table and take it with you shopping next time. You might also want to take your calculator. You might also want to take a baseball bat to hit your head repeatedly. Or you could just use your shoe.

Can I just say.....WHY CHARMIN? Why is it necessary to produce 8 products that are actually just one product in variable sizes? It is like they invented their own world over there at The Charmin and things just got out of control. First they invented the "regular roll". I may have not done proper research for this ground breaking piece of crap investigational blogging, but I don't think there is an accepted world wide standard for toilet paper roll size (metric or otherwise).

So, they just named it. Then they thought...gee, I think it would be great to have something a twice the size, and then two and a half times the size and then FOUR TIMES THE SIZE. Stop the madness Charmin. Next thing we know we will be carting home big wheels of toilet paper the size of truck tires that are 64 times the size of the fictional regular roll.

Then they went on to price each roll differently. Then they went on to package each roll differently. Then they market their product to mommies that are suffering from sleep deprivation and can't do advanced math in their heads standing in the paper product aisle at Target supervising three children who are independently making their own selections of plates, plastic spoons and cartoon character decorated paper towels while screaming loudly and calling for a game of hide and go seek. OH! And once you do choose your mega package (not to be confused with the mega roll which is 4 times the size of a regular roll)...it WILL NOT FIT IN THE CART. Just carry it under your arm while wrangling the three kids and pushing the cart (do I need to draw a picture?).

Conspiracy?

Let me just add this little tid-bit before you decide...Has anyone ever checked out Charmin's math? Now, I don't want the legal team of Charmin descending on the Nirvana, but I am just sayin'...

On Tuesday I made a serious scientific discovery.

I found that rain causes this:
And rain causes this:
And rain causes this:
And rain causes this:
And rain causes this:
And rain causes this:

My hypothesis: Thunder storms cause interior toy migration that is both random and epic in nature.

I bought these:Stated nutritional information for one kid serving:
Calories 130
Fat 2g
Carbohydrate 26g
Fiber <1g
Sugar 8g
Protein 2g
Crap. How am I supposed to calculate it based on these results?
While you are pondering that, please let me know how to figure it out for a PB&J (insides only):


This is a 2 y/o driver:
This is why insurance companies don't insure 2 y/o drivers:
ahhhh, how cute. His first car accident. We are currently in heated negotiations with the elephant to avoid a whiplash lawsuit.

All during Illness watch 2008 here at the Nirvana Reid complained that we hadn't been to the library "forever...". So not wanting to deprive the child, yesterday we took our first trip out of the house in 8 days and stopped by our local branch.
The boys quickly made their way to the ONLY SHELF IN THE WHOLE LIBRARY that has books they like and they made their selections.
Yes dear reader, the library has tens of thousands of books, our home has hundreds of books but we load up the minivan, drive to the library to check out one of these 15 books over and over and over again. This is the children's non-fiction construction section. We have checked out each of these books multiple times. I have even paid for one of these books (shhhhh...yes, even after I tore up the house in an exhaustive search I still had to do the walk of shame to the library desk). Let's do a little mommy math...the gas for multiple trips to the library + the time it takes to drive to the library + replacement cost of library books = maybe I would be better off searching Amazon.com for these 15 books and making a permanent purchase.

Over the last few years I have developed a more strained relationship with General Mills. The American mommy public has been at its mercy its biggest demographic for 62 years. At first, I delighted in setting out little piles of cheerios on the highchair tray for baby to wrangle into his mouth. I laughed hysterically when my 1 year old "helped himself" to breakfast spilling 3/4 of the cheerio box onto the floor and then sat in the middle while stuffing his face. I even bought one of those cheerio dispensers for easy diaper bag packing. But I have been noticing that even though my children are getting older, I am still dealing with this:

I totally understand the messy baby throwing cheerios onto the floor and the mess that creates, but this is different. This is cheerio black magic. This is a serious cheerios problem. I calculate that we have a cheerio bowl loss of in excess of 20%. That makes the ratio of cheerios to tummy vs. cheerios to floor a staggering 5:1. Wow! 1/5 of the cheerios I buy doesn't build a stronger child body. This is a crisis that must be far reaching. So I checked-out Cheerios.com for a loss prevention guide. I figured with a problem this big there would be committees meeting at GM at multiple levels on the mommy's behalf. No, there was not even a mention of this, not a word. This must be the secret that must remained hushed. The information that could bring the company down if recognized. I fear for my safety in exposing this dirty truth.
I then look for motivation, could there be some sort of cheerio conspiracy? Could it be that General Mills have majority stockholder interest in brooms or even fancy vacuums?Could the secret behind the loss be to fuel these other investments? There could be some sort of secret formula inside of the wholesome goodness of cheerios that causes them to jump spontaneously from the bowl. It could be magnetic. It could be a Mexican jumping bean titration. It could be tiny suction cups that time release.I don't know, but it makes you wonder. And wonder. And wonder. Then I wonder about the "kid-tested, mother-approved" General Mills product KIX. I don't know who those mothers were that approved it, but I would have sent the product back to the drawing board until it came back square in shape. The spherical shape flies effortlessly through the air or rolls with ease. This is a picture of 3 rouge KIX that were found yesterday in my living room approximately 35 feet from the closest table. That is a serious distance for a cereal to travel.Need I say more?

I love that my third child is so self-sufficient that he puts himself into time-out. It is survival of the fittest around here and he is evolving toward being the fittest. If he is like this before his second birthday, what do I have to look forward to at age 3, 8, or when he is a teenager (shudder)?

Today I was planning on taking the boys to see the trains at Northpark Mall. Ryan was hounding me all morning to invite his friend, Lucy. After awhile I admitted to him I wasn't feeling to positive about handling 4 kids at the mall and without pause he said, "mom, it would be like you only had one kid." Intrigued, I asked, "how do you figure that?" and he replied, "Well, Lucy and I know the rules and we could make sure that Reid follows them so all you would have to worry about is the baby." If only it was that simple! Lucky for Ryan and the rest of us, when I called Lucy's mom she was within a minute of our house on her way to Northpark. So, a grand day of trains, food and shopping was had by all. I even got to try on a few party dresses at Neiman's which was fun with 5 kids--the eyerolls we received were priceless!

Northpark has the most interesting attraction for kids as seen on the right. It is a planter that is very slick and the kids use it as a slide. The kids absolutely love it and who are we to spoil the fun?

By the way, if you are looking for good mall Christmas decorations (as you know I am) Northpark would finish pretty high on the list.

I have found now that I have 3 children, going out on errands is a bit of a challenge. But, take any combination of 2 kids and it is easy. Take only 1 (your choice) and it is a vacation. If only I could have reached that kind of comfort with one BEFORE I had the other two. I remember taking my first and only at the time to the grocery store and feeling like there was nothing more difficult then shopping with a child. So, my question is, (and I ask because I am NOT doing this research myself) does this continue--if you have 4, is 3 easy? What about 5? 6? etc.? Where does the madness stop? Is there a mathmatical equation that estimates what mommy's breaking point in leaving the house is erased?

I do math all day in my head as a mom. Not just easy math, but serious equation math that would boggle the mind of a non-mommy. It all comes down to algebra and the many variables of momminess. Note illustration-1 to the right. Now I will explain the equation in detail so that you can follow along at home.

Legend: a=mommy needs 6 minutes to clean the kitchen, b=daddy is at Target with Ryan (c) and Reid (d) leaving Rhett (e) at home.

a=(b+c+d) - e/destruction in the pantry - hazard of 21 month old on relocated stool + peace and quiet resulting from destruction and hazard - time mommy will need to reorganize pantry - unknown $$ to replace broken pantry items


Many times the equation is more of a <> vs. a = since nothing seems exactly equal in motherhood so this is how that would go:

Legend: a=mommy, b=friend on phone, c,d,e= above stated boys 1-3

a+b for 12 minutes on the phone=sanity for a > c,d,e running a $2.49 roll of scotch tape throughout the house - 9 minutes it takes to scrape scotch tape off the end table, wood floor and back french door + creative learning experience for 3 boys - the trip to Target now needed to replace the $2.49 roll of tape

I do this every time I take a moment of peace, 2 minutes to change the disgusting hand towel in the kid's bathroom, 3 minutes to start a load of laundry, or as my husband just stated, "you've got exactly 2 minutes to finish that blog".