June Cleaver Nirvana

Optimus Prime, recognized leader of the Autobots was found hung from the Nirvana boys' bunkbed at 6:02 p.m., Sunday, November 9, 2008. There was no indication of foul play. The homeowner, Texasholly reports that the scene has remained untouched awaiting the Major Case Squad's further evaluation. Texasholly went on to say that neither she, nor anyone else living in the house has any affiliation with the Decepticons.

This is a re-run. A post that originally "aired" 1-29-08. It is the post that is most often hit by random Googlers searching for cereal answers.


Over the last few years I have developed a more strained relationship with General Mills. The American mommy public has been at its mercy its biggest demographic for 62 years.

At first, I delighted in setting out little piles of cheerios on the highchair tray for baby to wrangle into his mouth. I laughed hysterically when my 1 year old "helped himself" to breakfast spilling 3/4 of the cheerio box onto the floor and then sat in the middle while stuffing his face. I even bought one of those cheerio dispensers for easy diaper bag packing.

But I have been noticing that even though my children are getting older, I am still dealing with this:

I totally understand the messy baby throwing cheerios onto the floor and the mess that creates, but this is different.

This is cheerio black magic.

This is a serious cheerios problem.

I calculate that we have a cheerio bowl loss of in excess of 20%. That makes the ratio of cheerios to tummy vs. cheerios to floor a staggering 5:1.

Wow! 1/5 of the cheerios I buy don't build a stronger child body.

This is a crisis that must be far reaching. So I checked out Cheerios.com for a loss prevention guide. I figured with a problem this big there would be committees meeting at GM at multiple levels on the mommy's behalf.

Imagine my surprise when I found that there is no mention of this crisis. This must be the secret that must remained hushed. The information that could bring the company down if recognized. I fear for my safety in exposing this dirty truth.

I then look for motivation, could there be some sort of cheerio conspiracy?

Could it be that General Mills have majority stockholder interest in brooms

or fancy vacuums?



Could the secret behind the loss be to fuel these other investments?

Could there be some sort of secret formula inside of the wholesome goodness of cheerios that causes them to jump spontaneously from the bowl?

It could be magnetic.

It could be a Mexican jumping bean titration.

It could be tiny suction cups that time release.


I don't know, but it makes you wonder.

And wonder.

And wonder.

Then I wonder about the "kid-tested, mother-approved" General Mills product KIX. I would like to get my hands on the mothers who approved it...

It certainly was not me.

I would have sent the product back to the drawing board until it came back square in shape. The spherical shape flies effortlessly through the air or rolls with ease.

This is a picture of 3 rouge KIX that were found yesterday in my living room approximately 35 feet from the closest table.

That is a serious distance for a cereal to travel

If you buy a package of 18 big (18 x 2 = 36 regular) rolls at Sam's Club while your husband buys a package of 9 Mega (9 x 4 = 36 regular) rolls at Target how many weeks (7 days x _____) can you go without needing more toilet paper?

For your math convenience:


Print this handy, dandy toilet paper conversion table and take it with you shopping next time. You might also want to take your calculator. You might also want to take a baseball bat to hit your head repeatedly. Or you could just use your shoe.

Can I just say.....WHY CHARMIN? Why is it necessary to produce 8 products that are actually just one product in variable sizes? It is like they invented their own world over there at The Charmin and things just got out of control. First they invented the "regular roll". I may have not done proper research for this ground breaking piece of crap investigational blogging, but I don't think there is an accepted world wide standard for toilet paper roll size (metric or otherwise).

So, they just named it. Then they thought...gee, I think it would be great to have something a twice the size, and then two and a half times the size and then FOUR TIMES THE SIZE. Stop the madness Charmin. Next thing we know we will be carting home big wheels of toilet paper the size of truck tires that are 64 times the size of the fictional regular roll.

Then they went on to price each roll differently. Then they went on to package each roll differently. Then they market their product to mommies that are suffering from sleep deprivation and can't do advanced math in their heads standing in the paper product aisle at Target supervising three children who are independently making their own selections of plates, plastic spoons and cartoon character decorated paper towels while screaming loudly and calling for a game of hide and go seek. OH! And once you do choose your mega package (not to be confused with the mega roll which is 4 times the size of a regular roll)...it WILL NOT FIT IN THE CART. Just carry it under your arm while wrangling the three kids and pushing the cart (do I need to draw a picture?).

Conspiracy?

Let me just add this little tid-bit before you decide...Has anyone ever checked out Charmin's math? Now, I don't want the legal team of Charmin descending on the Nirvana, but I am just sayin'...

On Tuesday I made a serious scientific discovery.

I found that rain causes this:
And rain causes this:
And rain causes this:
And rain causes this:
And rain causes this:
And rain causes this:

My hypothesis: Thunder storms cause interior toy migration that is both random and epic in nature.

Over the last few years I have developed a more strained relationship with General Mills. The American mommy public has been at its mercy its biggest demographic for 62 years. At first, I delighted in setting out little piles of cheerios on the highchair tray for baby to wrangle into his mouth. I laughed hysterically when my 1 year old "helped himself" to breakfast spilling 3/4 of the cheerio box onto the floor and then sat in the middle while stuffing his face. I even bought one of those cheerio dispensers for easy diaper bag packing. But I have been noticing that even though my children are getting older, I am still dealing with this:

I totally understand the messy baby throwing cheerios onto the floor and the mess that creates, but this is different. This is cheerio black magic. This is a serious cheerios problem. I calculate that we have a cheerio bowl loss of in excess of 20%. That makes the ratio of cheerios to tummy vs. cheerios to floor a staggering 5:1. Wow! 1/5 of the cheerios I buy doesn't build a stronger child body. This is a crisis that must be far reaching. So I checked-out Cheerios.com for a loss prevention guide. I figured with a problem this big there would be committees meeting at GM at multiple levels on the mommy's behalf. No, there was not even a mention of this, not a word. This must be the secret that must remained hushed. The information that could bring the company down if recognized. I fear for my safety in exposing this dirty truth.
I then look for motivation, could there be some sort of cheerio conspiracy? Could it be that General Mills have majority stockholder interest in brooms or even fancy vacuums?Could the secret behind the loss be to fuel these other investments? There could be some sort of secret formula inside of the wholesome goodness of cheerios that causes them to jump spontaneously from the bowl. It could be magnetic. It could be a Mexican jumping bean titration. It could be tiny suction cups that time release.I don't know, but it makes you wonder. And wonder. And wonder. Then I wonder about the "kid-tested, mother-approved" General Mills product KIX. I don't know who those mothers were that approved it, but I would have sent the product back to the drawing board until it came back square in shape. The spherical shape flies effortlessly through the air or rolls with ease. This is a picture of 3 rouge KIX that were found yesterday in my living room approximately 35 feet from the closest table. That is a serious distance for a cereal to travel.Need I say more?