7:54 PM

How to get your dog in the car

Posted by Holly Homer |

Objective: By the end of today's lesson the student will be able to properly demonstrate the necessary steps to successfully place a dog in an automobile.

Time: 51 minutes

Laboratory Information: Students will be divided into groups of two. These partners should have good working knowledge of the other individual's problem solving skills. If the partners have been married for 17 years, this is a bonus.

Required Materials:
(refer to figure A)
1. 50 lb. bulldog approximately 8 years old with a skin condition.
2. Two blue plastic child's golf clubs.
3. One yellow plastic child's golf club.
4. One green bucket.
5. One hose fitted with multi-sprayer capabilities including "power wash".
6. One child's black plastic billy club from a Halloween police costume.
7. Standard garden rake.
8. One child's white plastic space grabber from a Halloween spaceman costume.
8. Grey minivan.

Fig. A

1. Make arrangements for quick get away vacation to Casinos with another couple.
2. Make reservation for dog at local boarding location.
3. Go to back yard to retrieve dog.
4. Open back door to allow dog to walk through house into garage.
5. Open back of SUV for dog to be pushed up into.
6. Note that dog heads straight for the minivan and scurries underneath.
7. Note that dog is lodged under minivan.
8. Note disgusted expression on dog's face.
9. Call to dog.
10. Repeat.
11. Repeat with a happier voice to entice dog.
12. Repeat with an exasperated voice to demonstrate frustration to dog.
13. Retrieve bread from kitchen.
14. Lay out path of bread crumbs that start at dog's nose and extend to area OUTSIDE the under portion of the minivan.
15. Watch dog carefully as dog refuses all food.
16. Place minivan in neutral and try to push minivan back avoiding wheel to dog contact.
17. Honk the minivan horn wildly.
18. Observe dog not moving.
19. Start minivan and place gear into reverse.
20. Have partner monitor dog's distance to wheel with hands.
21. Slowly drive backward.
22. Watch partner's hands get closer and closer together.
23. Stop when partner motions that dog's body is next to wheel.
24. Repeat the honking.
25. Turn off car.
26. Fill green bucket with water.
27. Throw water from opposite side of minivan into the general direction of dog.
28. Note that dog has not budged.
29. Get out hose with power wash functioning head.
30. Point power wash spray in general direction of dog's butt.
31. Note how dog is irritated by water.
32. Note how dog snaps at water with teeth.
33. Note how dog's position remains unchanged.
34. Retrieve two blue child's golf clubs.
35. Poke irritated dog.
36. Note how dog bites golf clubs.
37. Note how dog's position remains unchanged.
38. Retrieve child's billy club (black plastic from Halloween police costume).
39. Retrieve child's space grabber (white plastic from Halloween spaceman costume). Not pictured.
40. Use billy club in one hand and space grabber in the other to attempt collar placement on dog's neck.
41. Note how dog is biting at billy club and space grabber.
42. Have partner offer yellow child's golf club to dog to chew on during collar placement.
43. Recommend that next dog might be one with a larger HEAD then NECK for better collar placement options.
44. Once collar is tentatively placed, one partner should be manning hose while the other is pulling dog forward.
45. Repeat steps 40-44 as needed due to collar slippage.
46. Note that dog's position remains unchanged.
47. Refrain from above steps out of exhaustion.
48. Take a break.
49. Retrieve the rake.
50. One partner should then lay on ground on opposite side of minivan and use rake forcefully to PUSH dog forward.
51. The other partner should then PULL on collar of dog carefully watching for collar slippage.
52. Steps 50 & 51 should be done simultaneously.
53. Note that dog's position has slightly changed!
57. Note that dog is freed from underneath minivan.
58. Walk dog to back of SUV.
59. Push dog up into back of SUV.
60. Note how wet dog shakes all over inside of SUV.

Assessment: If you have properly followed all the above steps, your finished product will look like this:

Class Dismissed.

Teacher disclaimer: No 50 lb. bulldog was harmed in the making of this lesson ONLY through the amazing patience exhibited by the lab partners.


OHmommy said...

Love the expression on his face. Precious pup... perhaps a little stubborn too. ;)

Valarie said...

Hahahahahhaha, Oh my gosh this was the best! I believe it one of the only things that has made me smile all day. :)

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I wish I could have watched you guys not backing up over your pet. Were the kids witnessing all this? And isn't it pathetic that the only tools at hand were kids' toys?

Misty said...

well... Winning at the casino could make up for this trying battle...

Want to borrow my dog next time? She NEVER gets to go for rides and yet adores the car so maybe via peer pressure- things could go a little better?

Jennifer H said...

Glad to know the effort was worth it, you poker superstar!

I was laughing the whole way through this.

Anonymous said...

Ornery little cuss! But he's so cute! I just wanna hug him and love him and name him George. LOL! Can you tell we don't have a pet?

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Holly, This would be reason number 14,568 that I do not have pets. A pet's life would not be more important than my weekend get away. I would have run him over. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, Call PETA, whatever. I just don't get animals. *ducking from the rotten tomatoes thrown my way right now*


Tammy said...

Oh! This is TOO funny. I mean from my perspective, certainly not from yours.

Good stuff!

Tammy said...

Oh! This is TOO funny. I mean from my perspective, certainly not from yours.

Good stuff!

We are THAT Family said...

I actually guffawed. Seriously guffawed. Haven't done that in a while. It wasn't pretty. Like the ugly laugh. But I feel much better. Thanks.

Lisa said...

Holy Cow!! Do you know how hard it is to laugh silently because you don't want to wake the rest of the house up?? What a hoot!!

Texan Mama said...

Oh, my, that's a lot of steps. I am wondering about the bread crumbs... Don't know of any doggie treats that are made of bread crumbs... did you think about using MEAT? But, none the less, good thing he's out. Considering the heat, I would have tempted him with AC. It doesn't take a dog to figure out how damn hot it is down here in TX.

Rachael said...

Wow. That is one stubborn determined dog. You can totally see it in his expression too!

I laughed so hard I cried when reading this. We have neurotic dogs too. They can completely tell when something's up and start acting all weird and stubborn too. But, wow, they could learn a few tricks from your guy.

Roger said...

I'm impressed that it only took you sixty steps!! I can only imagine how the inside of the SUV smells. :)

Happy Pokering! (or whatever that phrase should be)

Danielle said...

Surely your kids have/have had a wagon...just tie it to the back of the minivan...I'm sure the dog would love that

Danielle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Your Pal Pinki said...

Very entertaining, for us, of course. Our rule is to only have animals we can carry.

Danielle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EatPlayLove said...

I had no idea you were a dog trainer, a mighty fine one may I add.

I once owned a 100lb lab, who fell ill and couldn't walk. The trick getting him into the back of my friend's minivan was to put a sheet under his belly, one adult on each side, and carry him. For future reference, that is.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I'm impressed the marriage survived!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

This is all fine and good but please instruct how to get a 100 pound dog with a hip condition who also has an aversion to cars into the back of an SUV. I know. You're getting right on that, aren't ya?

the planet of janet said...

next on your list, perhaps .... how to transport rat dogs without at least one of them yakking on a child.


Adoption Blog said...

Oh My! You are too funny! You craked me up with this tuition! I guess we could call it a real TUTORIAL!

We have Arthur with us, the dog of a friend of ours! I'm tellen ya...he's a grumpy old man ooops dog I meant! Last time we tried to put him in our car, he nearly bit DH and then he hid under the car for 20 minutes! It is so so agravating!

I might post something about Arthur on my blog and refer to your post! LoL!


P.S. Arthur must weigh around 15 - 18 lbs...he's about 12 years old.

Leo said...

Thank goodness for Blog Nosh and all its new blog goodness.

Holly cracks me up.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

This is EXACTLY why I don't have a dog!

Angie said...

Thank you so much for this. I REALLY needed a laugh today. It's a sad day at my house. :-(

Angela said...

Oh my goodness. I can't tell you how often we've been through this exact situation with our beagle, only usually it involves getting her away from some kind of food or bed that she is guarding. But yes, we have found that water works pretty well, except when she's near carpet or furniture. Sigh. Too funny. Thanks for the laugh this morning!

Brittany said...


This is why after a great dane, we got a pug. WAAAAAYYY easier to transport.

Soliloquy said...


You have this affect on me that leaves me..... well...... it leaves me speechless.

Not really speechless - just totally incapacitated to form words quickly enough to catch up with my brain.

It scares me a little.

Where do you come up with this stuff???

Sunshine said...

This is hilarious. I can see me having to do something like this...

Alias Liz Jones said...

Would it be wrong to shoot it with a tranquiler gun and hoist it into the auto? Then again, your method is easier because I can tweak it and use it as a reference.

Happy Campers said...

As I good neighbor, I would have gladly come over to photograph the whole ordeal. You know, just for blog purposes. Not for the neighborhood newsletter or anything.

Colleen said...

Oh poor woman - I only hope your get-away makes the trouble worth it!

My steps to get the dog in the back of the SUV:
1) Get a *dumb* dog.
2) Open back of SUV.
3) Open back door.
4) Close SUV door after dumb dog jumps inside happily wagging her tail.
5) The end.

Marcy - The Glamorous Life! said...

Your bull dog called me from the kennel last night. he left a message. i will transcribe:

"Let the tall woman and tall man who feed me know that they are lucky I gave up when I did. They didn't win. I LET them get me out. I was tired anyway...and was thinking some time away from these lunatics might be nice. They have cable TV here at the Kennel. I am watching AE taping of CATs the musical. It is not what I thought it would be...but still better than being shot with water by the tall people."

Vicki said...

Do you think the same steps could be taken for a cat that has wedged itself up in the insides of a couch? The water part might be the best option...

Found you at BlogNosh. Hey! And I love the LF toilet post. Those things are nothing but crap, pardon the pun.

Shannon said...

Oh, crap I am laughing so hard I just peed myself! lol OH!
We are getting a bulldog in the next 8 months. Is this what I have to look forward to?
I can't keep my lab/greyhound/box of rocks for brains out of my car! The Boston Terrier is always happy yo go for ride.

A Mom Two Boys said...

You have a bulldog? I would have sworn I've seen pictures of a yellow fluffy dog. Was I dreaming?

And you forgot all the swearing and hollering.

Burgh Baby said...

I am SOOOOO jealous. Our Bully? I can't get her the frack out of the car. If the door opens and she's within 10 miles, she suddenly gains the ability to run and jump like a normal (not lazy) dog and lands in my car, thereby leaving a cloud of slobber and fur all over my precious little Audrey. Getting her out? Impossible. Not even offering to let her eat a cat works. Ugh.

Beck said...

Poor grumpy puppy. I would a) call my burly father, who would carry her into his truck. The end.

Ok, Where Was I? said...

Serious LOL. I'm majorly impressed that you didn't run over the dog--just a tiny bit--out of frustration.

Suzie said...

Thats too funny! Poor doggy. He was wedged wasnt he

Kaye said...

You are too incredibly funny. What would I do during my week without a dose of fun from you?

Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! I would never have attempted to back up the mini van because with my luck the dog would stretch or somehow reposition part of their body right under the tire.

I recommend using bribery next time. Maybe a piece of a nice juicy steak or some Beggin Strips?

Heather said...

I'll remember this lesson when my new puppy gets bigger. Right now his cute little self follows me wherever I go.

Mrs. Parks said...


Manic Mommy said...

Alternate post title: "How to give your bulldog a home enema".

I'll file this one along-side "How to latch an uncooperative toddler into a five-point restraint harness".

Ron Davison said...

It's a bulldog, Holly. You only had to promise to let him drive and he would have come right in. And the cool thing about bulldogs? As long as he is in the, he thinks that he is driving. Of course, that would have made for a much less riveting post. Hardly even makes for an interesting comment, he notes as he drifts off ...

Karen said...

So funny!!!!!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

This another reason why we have a kitty--I do not have your patience ;)

Nap Warden said...

Love, love, love the pup!

Elaine A. said...

Thanks for making me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants. Almost. Phew!

Loralee Choate said...

Your dog freakishly resembles my husband.

I'm just sayin'...

Madge said...

i can't believe you didn't just offer him some veggie meat..... who wouldn't come out from under a van for that? I know i would.

LaskiGal said...

A great submission to eHow. They pay $15 . . . I mean, really. You should do it . . .

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Holy stubborn dogs, Batgirl. You & your sidekick had quite the workout.

You deserve a raise.

Always Home and Uncool said...

I find making Step 1 "Knock dog unconscious with a shovel" simplifies the process.

nonlineargirl said...

Excellent. I love how uninterested your dog looks about the whole thing.

Lizz @ Yes, and So is My Heart said...

Now that was funny. Your dog is too cute.

Limbic Resonance said...

Oh my goodness...I can't stop laughing at this. Burgh Baby and I have the same problem. Both of our dogs will run and jump into any part of the car that's open. And then two 80+ pound dogs are scrambling around in the car. Fun to clean up after they've been picked up from the farm/kennel we use.

jubilee said...

I just realized why they are called BULLdogs. Bull headed . . . yes?

Kisha said...

this is just funny. Glad I don't have to try and put my dog in the car, she happily gets in on her own.

Adriane said...

I'm just dying to see the space grabber- I'm really inspired to post about giving my grumpy iguana a bath!

Elizabeth said...

All of our pets seem to be car-phobic. Our poor overgrown sheltie would spew from every orifice every time you had to take her somewhere...not for us the joy-riding dog!
Loved your steps!
Pax, E
PS. good luck.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Too bad this wouldn't work with toddlers! ;)

I'm so showing this to my dad. He has a Bullie named Pickles who rides with him in his truck (but only because he is NOT taking her to the vet.)

Fiesty Charlie said...

Found your blog through Brittany (Barefoot Foodie) and now I am addicted!

She always does that to me, getting me hooked on excellent blogs!

Going to dig in your past stuff in the wee hours of the morning!

GREAT stuff!

Jason said...

Oh, that's way too hard for me.

On a Limb with Claudia said...

Poor baby! I'd hide under the car if you were leaving me too, MISS HOLLY! I hope you have a wonderful trip!

Louise said...

I was laughing out loud by #19. By #37 I was cackling. By #42, everyone in the house wondered what I was doing. Then they recognized that laughter and knew I must be reading Holly's blog!

Really, this is hilarious!

Mrs. L said...

Poor dog! I think you need to borrow mine.. she's only 4lbs and shes no problem getting into a vehicle.

That was good. I had a great laugh.

MightyMom said...

aaahhhh, well, at least he didn't pee on you...which is what my cat does....after all 75 steps to get cat into carrier have been completed.


too funny

Post a Comment