June Cleaver Nirvana

I received this email yesterday:

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Dear friend,

I am a Consultant. I have a Client that has Interest in Investing in Your Company or Country, can You be of Assistance?

I shall give Details when You Reply.

Mr. Daniel Williams
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After I read this, the following scenario played out in my head:

Holly is the director of Spam Central located in the random country of your spamming choice. She supervises a room full of Spam Central employees who spend their days spamming from their grey cubicles. She periodically reviews her employee’s actions to assure that Spam Central lives up to its reputation of being the finest in the spamming business.

Holly just read Mr. Williams’ latest effort (see above). She stands up, walks to the door of her office to view a room filled with grey cubicles:

Holly (yelling): Mr. Williams, please come to my office ASAP!

Mr. Daniel Williams (darting cubicles to stand at attention at Holly’s office door): Yes?

Holly (speaking loudly and holding a print-out of the email): What EXACTLY is this?

Mr. Daniel Williams: uh…that is what I sent out today, ma’am.

Holly (exasperated): How many people received this?

Mr. Daniel Williams: uh…uh…30,000 maybe a few more…

Holly: Did you come up with this work of genius on your own?

Mr. Daniel Williams: Yes, what is wrong? I ran it through both Spam Central English spell-check and grammar programs.

Holly (turns and yells out into the cubicle room): Mr. Roberts! Mr. Smith!

(Mr. Roberts and Mr. Smith come running to the office door): Yes ma’am?

Holly: Mr. Roberts, what did you write about today?

Mr. Roberts (smiling with confidence): My letter today was about a Sudanese Prince who had $21 million in a bank account that couldn't be transferred without the help of an American who would allow the use of their bank account for the money transfer for a finder’s fee--a HANDSOME finder’s fee.

Holly (nodding with satisfaction): And you, Mr. Smith?

Mr. Smith (snickering): I wrote about a group of American soldiers that confiscated enemy gold, but the USA government won’t allow them to keep it unless an American citizen sponsors the transfer into currency. The sponsorship would make it both legal and profitable for the sponsor.

Holly: Good work, both of you. Now can you please listen to what Mr. Williams sent out today? Go ahead Mr. Williams…read your masterpiece to them…

Mr. Williams (reaching for the paper Holly hands him): I am a Consultant. I have a Client that has Interest in Investing in Your Company or Country, can You be of Assistance?

Mr. Roberts and Mr. Smith (laughing hysterically): YOU SENT THAT OUT?

Holly (disgusted): Yes he sent about 30,000. Luckily I caught it before it got out to very many people.

Mr. Roberts: Dude, that sucks!

Mr. Smith: Really man, that was a total phone-in.

Mr. Roberts (frantically, trying to salvage his work): Hey, I added the “or Country” part to make it sound all official. You know, like there was a bunch of money involved…

Holly (dryly): I doubt our email list includes the Queen of England.

Holly: I am sorry Mr. Williams, but here at Spam Central we expect more. You might get away with that crap at Spam “R” Us or Spamarama, but here we have higher spam standards. I am sorry but you are fired.

(Mr. Williams nods and walks out of the cubicle-filled office of Spam Central. He slowly drives home to his wife to admit he couldn't even write spam.)


Moral of the story: If you are going to send Holly spam, please make an effort.