If you buy a package of 18 big (18 x 2 = 36 regular) rolls at Sam's Club while your husband buys a package of 9 Mega (9 x 4 = 36 regular) rolls at Target how many weeks (7 days x _____) can you go without needing more toilet paper?

For your math convenience:


Print this handy, dandy toilet paper conversion table and take it with you shopping next time. You might also want to take your calculator. You might also want to take a baseball bat to hit your head repeatedly. Or you could just use your shoe.

Can I just say.....WHY CHARMIN? Why is it necessary to produce 8 products that are actually just one product in variable sizes? It is like they invented their own world over there at The Charmin and things just got out of control. First they invented the "regular roll". I may have not done proper research for this ground breaking piece of crap investigational blogging, but I don't think there is an accepted world wide standard for toilet paper roll size (metric or otherwise).

So, they just named it. Then they thought...gee, I think it would be great to have something a twice the size, and then two and a half times the size and then FOUR TIMES THE SIZE. Stop the madness Charmin. Next thing we know we will be carting home big wheels of toilet paper the size of truck tires that are 64 times the size of the fictional regular roll.

Then they went on to price each roll differently. Then they went on to package each roll differently. Then they market their product to mommies that are suffering from sleep deprivation and can't do advanced math in their heads standing in the paper product aisle at Target supervising three children who are independently making their own selections of plates, plastic spoons and cartoon character decorated paper towels while screaming loudly and calling for a game of hide and go seek. OH! And once you do choose your mega package (not to be confused with the mega roll which is 4 times the size of a regular roll)...it WILL NOT FIT IN THE CART. Just carry it under your arm while wrangling the three kids and pushing the cart (do I need to draw a picture?).

Conspiracy?

Let me just add this little tid-bit before you decide...Has anyone ever checked out Charmin's math? Now, I don't want the legal team of Charmin descending on the Nirvana, but I am just sayin'...

34 comments:

Valarie said...

Have you been following me around the grocery store? I think it takes me longer to decide which package is the better deal than it does to do the rest of my shopping.

GHD said...

All I know is that there are exactly three things we can never ever run out of around here. They are wipes, diapers, and toilet paper. I make trips to Costco JUST for those items sometimes...

As for that "Charmin math"... is that just another way college didn't prepare me for life :-P

Courtney said...

This is too funny. How can you turn something like toilet paper into something hilarious? I'll say it one last time, I want to live in your head for one day!

InTheFastLane said...

Heee...I think Kleenex does the same thing with my favorite brand "Cottonell" Mega, super, double, extra ribbed....

Rachael said...

Well, given that I've discovered we are down to just ONE roll to be divided between THREE bathrooms, more than ONCE (i.e. torn-off strips of t.p. are slung over the empty holder in 2 of 3 locations) until I can drag myself to the store to pick up more (usually being the expensive grocery store around the corner since it's a semi-emergency), I think I could learn a thing or two from your post. I think I need the mega-roll package of four. No, wait, maybe I need the double roll package of 12. OK, better send me the chart. Or, better yet, can I borrow some T.P.?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I just go to Costco and buy the Kirkland brand. No math involved; that's the way I like it.

Suzie said...

I never new about any of those rolls.I only thought TP came in one size. Boy life with out a Target sure is dull.

Lil Mouse said...

well i just compare the 'cost per use' or cost per unit on the walmart shelves to decide. if its something i'll use all up, like tp, then its worth it to buy 12 rolls for 2 cents cheaper per roll than 4 rolls. i have 2 bathrooms. i've compared and of 2 sizes i would normally buy, they are within a penny of each other for the 'same amount' (in our area)..

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I'm a Quilted Northern gal myself. I never did appreciate that drug store clerk telling me I couldn't squeeze the Charmin. Who does he think he is?

jennifer h said...

All that price-per-sheet math is exhausting. And impossible.

You should send this to the head of product development at Charmin. Seriously, you might get some free, ambiguous-quantity toilet paper out of it.

Lisa said...

Too funny--I was just at Target buying what else-Charmin!
Since I have a fourth grader taking Saxon math, I avoid all other math at all costs, or else my head might explode.

Baby Mamma (Tamra) said...

The mega rolls don't fit my tp holder. The roll won't turn. Which is fine anyways cuz no matter how big of rolls I buy, they disappear at the same rate. Something about a toddler doing the pull-n-flush at a rapid rate...

Angie said...

Beware, because being an degreed engineer turned accountant by trade, I have also noticed that MANY stores' price per (oz, liter, weight, sheet, etc) are INCORRECT. OFTEN! Makes me mad because I am rather, um, frugal? and will buy for the best value. Toilet paper urks me because the super large rolls often don't fit in the TP holders in our house. They brush against the wall or vanity causing each sheet to tear like in a Rest Area Bathroom.

OK I'm done.

KEEP BELIEVING

Sadie said...

*lol* I go with what's on sale and I go with the cost-per...but...

YEah, none of it makes sense. What is IS the different between the BASE roll and the ULTRA roll...and why DO we need both?

Sheesh...silly Charmin...

But they got some awesome TP, dudes...

Madge said...

oh you are killing me. how many times have i stared at those big packages of toilet paper and felt completely illiterate. do they really think we care how many rolls equals how many other rolls?

why don't they just lay it on the line and tell us how many poopie butts each roll will wipe. that's the real question.

Madge said...

oh you are killing me. how many times have i stared at those big packages of toilet paper and felt completely illiterate. do they really think we care how many rolls equals how many other rolls?

why don't they just lay it on the line and tell us how many poopie butts each roll will wipe. that's the real question.

Madge said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MoscowMom said...

My good pal is in CA to have baby number three, and her husband just visited her (she's not due for three more weeks). This means he had the chance to stock up on God-only-knows-what to bring back to Moscow... I could have filled FIVE suitcases with treasures for him to lug here... And what did he bring???!!!

CASES OF CHARMIN!!!!!

We're no longer in the Soviet Union, people... You don't need to use newspaper to wipe your bum... (and worry about being deported to Siberia for anti-Communist activity if one of your neighbors claimed you had wiped with a piece of paper with a party leader's picture on it... No joke).

The allure of Charmin... At any price!

A Mom Two Boys said...

See, once again I'm focused on the fact that Blog Steadman went to Target and bought toilet paper. Can't even imagine that happening around here. I don't think DJ could even find Target if he had to.

A Mom Two Boys said...

Oh, and I'm an Angel Soft girl...

Queen Mommy said...

Scott Tissue.

cce said...

I personally hold Charmin responsible for clogging up both my toilets repeatedly, again and again, with that super thick, mega-roll nice on the ass but hell on the plumbing bull shit. I've switched to something flimsier. I'm no good with the plunger.

jenny gardiner said...

While you're at it--what do you think about the philosophical paper towel messages? Do we really need to pollyanna-esque platitudes while wiping up puppy pee off the floor?

workinthatpreppy said...

wow...this is an issue! we always say at my house...always buy toilet tissue and ketchup because thats's what we never have. i stress over which one to buy too. just wish they would fool me and place it at the end of the aisle and i would think i was getting a deal!

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

See, I'm with you. I have often wondered why the Charmin folks can't just do 1 roll of tp, tell you how many sheets are on that roll, estimate how many sheets are used by every child, man, & woman...and then give you approximate figures for how long this should last? Seriously?!

Jerseygirl89 said...

Can I just tell you how impressed I am that you've taken a fleeting thought I've had the grocery store and turned it into a fabulous, cohesive post? Very impressed.

Neil said...

This post is so funny to me... and true. Sometimes I stand in the toilet paper aisle of the supermarket all day, trying to figure it all out.

Kalynne Pudner said...

I heard someone use the term "philosophical," and alliteratively, too.

The Doctor (of Philosophy) is here to answer your questions:

(1) Yes, we need the pithy commentary on the paper towel rolls. Because this kind comes in packages of eight at most, while packages of plain paper towel are more likely to exceed the cubic capacity of the cart (as Holly was saying in re Charmin).

(2) The giant packages of paper products can be transported to checkout if you give one of the aforementioned wrangled children a separate cart. They're not heavy, because they're only paper, and they take up too much room for the kiddos to slip in the giant packages of Oreos or Sour Punch Straws.

We do Member's Mark, by the way, because it is cheapest, and most of our toilet paper ends up discarded, unused, on the floor; some members of our family seem to roll or fold up the portion they intend to use and then find it unacceptable, so drop it and get some more. Or it ends up moistened and thrown against the ceiling, where it will remain, hardened, until we are all dead and buried.

beachmom said...

2 additional questions for the folks at charmin:

1. why make the rolls so large that they won't go "around" on my tp holder (yes, it is ALL ABOUT ME THIS MORNING) ... I still have to buy the base size (you know, the original that the multiples are made from) and I am having trouble finding the non-mega, ultra ... the big rolls!

2. why can't you make an ultra-strong AND ultra soft tp at the same time?

fullheartandhands mama said...

Too funny. I just buy my regular Angel Soft (I think) and ignore the rest. I'm usually one to find the best deal, but I can't handle it with the TP. Paper towels aren't much better. If those people don't watch it, I may have to boycott altogether. It is only the thought of increasing the amounts of nasty rags rotting in my laundry room that keeps me from boycotting paper towels.

ByJane said...

You're spending far too much time in the toilet paper aisle. I just go in, grab the Charmin (cause it's the softest) Mega Roll (cause it lasts the longest) and I'm on my way to the chocolate aisle. Chocolate, you know, is very good for your digestive system--not to mention the Charmin company.

JCK said...

Personally, I boycott Charmin. They are taking over the world. And the toilet paper...crumbles in your hands.

LaskiGal said...

I'm so printing that . . . but it is true. It is all a conspiracy meant to separate us from our hard-earned dough!

Amy said...

I only buy regular rolls. I don't care how much money and time I can save by buying the ultra, mega, super roll. When your toddler is prone to unloading a whole roll into the toilet, teeny tiny roll is the way to go.
Where is that size Charmin!?! You know the save my carpet from severe flooding roll? I'm waiting.

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