Dear Nirvana Reader,

I need to tell my story. I come to you because others have. They reported back that venting may not have changed HER ways, but was therapeutic.

I will start with a little about myself. I am a DaysAgo Timer. I attach by magnet or suction cup to various items and keep track of how many days ago you opened it, watered it, packaged it, etc. I am super handy. I am super cute. I am ingenious.

I was featured on Oprah and in Real Simple magazine the same week. That is where Holly saw me. That is where my troubles began. She zipped onto my website, ordered me and 10 of my closest friends and 3 days later we were hers. She distributed my friends as gifts and kept me.

She seemed nice enough. She was perky. She enthusiastically embraced me and my mission. She popped me onto a can and put me in the fridge.

47 days later she cleaned out the fridge, disposed of the can I was occupying and reset me onto another can.

64 days later she cleaned out the fridge, disposed of the can I was occupying and reset me onto another can.

83 days later she cleaned out the fridge, disposed of the can I was occupying and reset me onto another can.

Then I didn't hear from her. At. All. Hello? Hello? Hello? Is Holly out there? It's cold and dark (just when the door is closed--the light REALLY does go off) in here. It has been so long.

The light goes on. The light goes off. The light goes on.

She notices me. She picks me up. She takes me out of the fridge. She stares at me:
Yes, I am stuck on "99". It has been so long that I have lost track of time. I know I am a timer. I get that. I was only programmed for 2 digits people. I was totally unprepared to live this nightmare.

So an indescribable number of days later she cleaned out the fridge, disposed of the can I was occupying and reset me onto another can.

Are you kidding me? My life is ground hog day.

Chillingly yours,
Holly's DaysAgo timer

P.S. Did I just hear Holly announce to the boys that they were having pizza buns for lunch? She must be stopped.

31 comments:

Jerseygirl89 said...

I thought I wanted one of those, but now I see that I too would be needlessly torturing the poor thing.

Courtney said...

That is too funny. I think I could actually use something like that because I clean my fridge out every Sunday night.

A Mom Two Boys said...

OMG. 99 days is only 3 months. Is that bad?

Does it work on fruits & vegetables because I'd like to know just how long, exactly, that spinach was in my vegetable drawer before it became it brown mush. I'm sure it will happen again soon.

OHmommy said...

I have never seen that... hmmm. You are too funny!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I think I might rather endure food poisoning.

Rachel said...

That is hysterical. You're so cute and clever the way you have your 'house' write letters and pleas :-)

That is exactly why I never bought one of those, thank you for reaffirming my decision :-) LOL.

Angie said...

SO STINKIN FUNNY! I am so glad these inanimate objects at Holly's house can tell their story. It is only fair to give us a look inside the REAL Holly. Thanks for the laugh - I need them.

I want to hear from the pancake puffs pan soon.

KEEP BELIEVING

beachmom said...

guilt trip by an inanimate object ... just what I need around my house!!! Thanks for the smile this morning.

Lisa said...

What a 'neat' little gadget. Don't you hate cleaning out the fridge--be glad you at least knew what your was--I have several plain containers with the mystery of the day!

fullheartandhands mama said...

Put a lot of cheese on and they'll never know!

This was too funny.

Chuck said...

You have got such an amazing sense of humor, are adorable, and so darned clever. Glad you here and so glad you always stop by, even when I'm a skank and don't visit you. I've been out of it - sickly - sad...so sorry. Regardless, I'm here - heart cha.

cce said...

How do we find ourselves in such a place, feeling guilty, suffering our own failures that have come to include neglecting the stuff in the refrigerator? Too funny though, too funny.

Greta said...

Ok. I totally need to get one of those. Except I need to put it on my eliptical and my YMCA gym membership card. THAT would be scary.

jennie said...

well, i guess that is better that having to open the can and look inside of it (which is what i used to do...now everything get gets tossed edible or not).

Kellan said...

How funny!! I need me a few of those timers - very cool!! Cute post - as usual! See you soon. Kellan

Amy said...

Cool invention! This is my first time seeing one. That's for taking it our of your fridge and sharing!

jennifer h said...

This is hilarious! How do you think of these things. Brilliant.

Valarie said...

Hmmm, I really don't know if I want something else reminding me I need to clean out the fridge. I guess it would be better than guessing at how old it is.

Suzie said...

Holly help that damn timer. I feel for him I really do. Poor poor inanimate object.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

I think I'd do similar things with one. I am so proud of the timer for calling you out. And, what's wrong with the BOYS having pizza for lunch so long as Holly doesn't?

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

So what you are saying is that you have cleaned out your fridge at least three times since the last time I cleaned out mine? Oh.

jenny gardiner said...

Ha! Why would you ever do this to yourself, this Days Ago timer? Yet one more way to try to force you to do things you really don't want to do!
I laughed at your fritos on the floor posting. I have a parrot who shits on my floor all the time and she shreds the newspaper from her cage and flaps her wings and scatters it throughout the main floor of my house like confetti on Wall Street after VE Day. Then she hops off the cage and wanders around the floor, leaving a trail of bird poop and me to find her. One day I had to get her back on the cage but she wasn't cooperating and instead was attacking my feet while repeating, in my voice, 'HELLO, GRAY CHICKEN!" over and over until I was ready to fricasee her. But then I had a brilliant idea! She hates unfamiliar things--they scare her. Once my decorative life-size Christmas snowman set her off screeching like a car alarm.
So I had to think of something that she never sees, something unusual looking that would make her seek the relative safety of her cage.
So I got out a broom ;-)
Alas, instead of being scared of this new and unfamiliar thing, she started attacking it and my feet. Evil thing...

Mommy Cracked said...

Bwaahahaaa!!! I have never seen onw of those things, but the story behind yours is hilarious.

slow panic said...

you are hilarious! i thought about buying some of those -- but it would have been cruel, I can see....

Kristen said...

Again another great post!

Love it, and honestly think your little timer is a great idea. Not so sure that I would want to see the day count of our fridge either.

hhhhmmmmmm...........

Ron Davison said...

That was laugh out loud. I'm just glad that there are not similar products for things like bills or journals that are stacked in the corner of the study.

Sandy C. said...

LOL! I've never seen anything like that :) What a cute post!

Betsy Bird said...

I'd really like to introduce you to a jar of wasabi mayonnaise who's been living in a refrigerator near me for the past several years. But really, you seem like too nice a girl to do that to.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

This is HILARIOUS!!!

JCK said...

Hysterical! Delightful, as always!

lynda w said...

You are hilarious! I must add you to my blog roll!

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