Over the last few years I have developed a more strained relationship with General Mills. The American mommy public has been
at its mercy its biggest demographic for 62 years. At first, I delighted in setting out little piles of cheerios on the highchair tray for baby to wrangle into his mouth. I laughed hysterically when my 1 year old "helped himself" to breakfast spilling 3/4 of the cheerio box onto the floor and then sat in the middle while stuffing his face. I even bought one of those cheerio dispensers for easy diaper bag packing. But I have been noticing that even though my children are getting older, I am still dealing with this:
I totally understand the messy baby throwing cheerios onto the floor and the mess that creates, but this is different. This is cheerio black magic. This is a serious cheerios problem. I calculate that we have a cheerio bowl loss of in excess of 20%. That makes the ratio of cheerios to tummy vs. cheerios to floor a staggering 5:1. Wow! 1/5 of the cheerios I buy doesn't build a stronger child body. This is a crisis that must be far reaching. So I checked-out Cheerios.com for a loss prevention guide. I figured with a problem this big there would be committees meeting at GM at multiple levels on the mommy's behalf. No, there was not even a mention of this, not a word. This must be the secret that must remained hushed. The information that could bring the company down if recognized. I fear for my safety in exposing this dirty truth.
I then look for motivation, could there be some sort of cheerio conspiracy? Could it be that General Mills have majority stockholder interest in brooms or even fancy vacuums?Could the secret behind the loss be to fuel these other investments? There could be some sort of secret formula inside of the wholesome goodness of cheerios that causes them to jump spontaneously from the bowl. It could be magnetic. It could be a Mexican jumping bean titration. It could be tiny suction cups that time release.I don't know, but it makes you wonder. And wonder. And wonder. Then I wonder about the "kid-tested, mother-approved" General Mills product KIX. I don't know who those mothers were that approved it, but I would have sent the product back to the drawing board until it came back square in shape. The spherical shape flies effortlessly through the air or rolls with ease. This is a picture of 3 rouge KIX that were found yesterday in my living room approximately 35 feet from the closest table. That is a serious distance for a cereal to travel.Need I say more?
When I am not here.
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