June Cleaver Nirvana

Holly has been doing a lot of thinking. Holly has been doing extensive investigating. Holly finds that the best solution to her problem may be installing one of these:



Holly has decided that a porta-potty, johnnie-on-the-spot, porta-john may be her only option. She has decided that this is the location for her new purchase:



Why would Holly who lives in a lovely suburban neighborhood in a house that could (but doesn't) have a white picket fence with complete indoor plumbing choose to install a porta-potty, johnnie-on-the-spot, porta-john?



It might have something to do with the plunger that is permanently attached to Holly's left arm. Holly's left arm is tired of plunging. Holly has noticed that she is starting to choose outfits in the morning based on whether they match the plunger attached permanently to her left arm.

Holly is wearing green hoping that her green-wearing karma will overcome her low-flow toilet hating soul. Holly's low-flow toilet hating soul is dark, very dark. Holly's low-flow toilet hating soul is deep, very deep. Holly's low-flow toilet hating soul is attached to a body sporting a plunger as a permanent fixture.

Holly's low-flow toilets seem to have something against the act of flushing.



Hey low-flow toilets...why are you so anti-flush?

Holly also wonders what is the point of low-flow toilets if she has to attempt flushing them three kazillion times with intermittent plunging. Ironically Coincidentally, that is the exact same decibel (three kazillion) Holly's voice hits when she hears, "Mommy! The toilet isn't working!"

So, until Al Gore dedicates his life to plunging Holly's low-flow toilets or suitable alternatives in the United States of Low-Flow Toilets (US of LF T) are legal. Holly is planning this drastic action.

Holly will no longer allow people to use the INDOOR toilets. Holly will lead them to the OUTDOOR toilet which never needs plunging despite the level of crap.



Holly can only hope that the proximity to the patio of the new porta-potty, johnny-on-the-spot, porta-john could encourage its use by a certain Holly's dog...

Part I is here.

We left Bitter Holly in the hallway adjoining the important meeting room where she was sitting with other adults. She is talking on an emergency phone call from the electrician that installed her right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. He showed up at her house about 133 hours outside of the given 12 hour service window.

Bitter Holly soon figures out that the electrician that installed her right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness was not paying attention when she told him what was wrong, the product number and the serial number on the phone. This makes Bitter Holly a bit more bitter.

Bitter Holly's reading audience will be relieved that she did previously attempt to change the light bulb and had ruled that out as a cause of the fruit bowl situation.

The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness doesn't have the right part to fix the problem. He is going to go to his super secret electrician location to find the part and return later that day when Bitter Holly is home.

Later that day in Holly's sunny suburban neighborhood in a house that could (but doesn't) have a white picket fence...

Yeah! The electrician returns.

Imagine Bitter Holly's shock when the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness says that the light is not working. Wow. Add super observant to his job title*.

*For the purposes of this story, I am not adding super observant to his job title because I think his current title is long enough. Feel free to take note of this change and at home use whichever title you prefer.*

Uh-oh. The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness still doesn't have the proper part even after a trip to his super secret electrician location.

He offers to change out a few bulbs that are burned out. He also changes the bulbs in the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. Bitter Holly doesn't ask questions. Bitter Holly bitterly looks on. Bitter, bitter Holly.

The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness states that he will return with the proper part after ordering it from the super secret electrician location. He says he will call Bitter Holly when it is received.

Bitter Holly knows she will never see him again. Bitter Holly is facing the new fruit bowl reality.

Bitter Holly would have waved when he left, but she was using all her energy being really, super duper, extra-strength, extraordinarily bitter:


A few weeks later...
Bitter Holly stomped out to get the mail (that is what bitter people do). Bitter Holly notices an envelope from the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness:

Huh? Bitter Holly looks a little closer:

Bitter Holly looks and sees that $279.50 was billed for changing 4 light bulbs. Bitter Holly also notices that she was charged for the labor of 2 men. Bitter Holly wonders if one of the electricians was invisible. Bitter Holly wonders if the invisible electrician might have been able to fix her right under-cabinet light if she was able to locate him. She assumes he must be at the super secret electrician location.

Bitter Holly has this reaction:

Bitter Holly Rolls On the Floor with Laughter (ROFL). Bitter Holly rolls. Bitter Holly laughs. Bitter Holly is down-right hysterical. Bitter Holly continues to giggle for days. Holly, the artist, formerly known as Bitter Holly* laughs so long that the bitter label no longer is applicable.

*Yes, Holly plans on using this joke every time. Quite honestly, she can't help herself.*

Holly then decides to spread the cheer by calling the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness.

The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness did not find the whole situation as funny as Holly did. He did agree not to charge Holly $279.50 for changing 4 light bulbs. He did agree that Holly would not be charged anything until the problem was actually fixed. Holly got the impression that a big black mark would be going through her name and posted by the phone at the super secret electrician location. That is OK with Holly. She isn't bitter about it or anything.

Legend has it that if you visit Holly's house today you will see this:

Holly let the left under-cabinet light bulbs burn out. Now the darkness is symmetrical which makes Holly much happier. Holly's fruit bowl is empty which is OK because you can't properly appreciate all that fruit when it is so dark.

Our legend begins in a sunny suburban neighborhood in a house that could (but doesn't) have a white picket fence. Holly who is naturally perky enters her kitchen and turns on the lights. Hmmmm...something doesn't look right to Holly. Her fruit bowl is sitting in partial darkness.

Hey that isn't right thinks Holly. She starts to formulate a plan of action.

Good thinking Holly! She places a call to the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness.

Holly is very thorough. She wants the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness to understand exactly what he needs to fix. Holly has a bit of experience with people who come to fix things and don't have the proper part.

Oh goody! Holly loves it when a company gives her a service window. The bigger the better!

Two weeks later...
Holly has her to do list ready.

Uh-oh. Holly notices that the to do list is comprised of things that need to be done OUTSIDE of the home. She is not sure what time she can leave the home because she is expecting the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. Holly will just wait at home for the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness and then do her errands after he leaves.

Uh-oh. Holly waited for 12 hours. Holly did not leave the house. Holly did not complete any of her to do list. Holly did not see any electrician, let alone the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness.

Holly decides she might need to call the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness to re-schedule since it appears that today's 12 hour window wasn't large enough for him to visit her.

Holly is very thorough. She wants the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness to understand exactly what he needs to fix. Holly has a bit of experience with people who come to fix things and don't have the proper part.

Oh goody! Holly loves it when a company gives her a service window for the second time. The bigger the better!

Two weeks later...
Yep, you guessed it. The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness did not show up. Holly is pretty mad. Holly is so fretful she can't discuss it further. Holly made this handy dandy reference chart for your review:

Holly looks at the handy dandy reference chart for your review and realizes that she is bitter.

Holly is so very, very bitter that she can't even face calling the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. Bitter Holly decides that instead of facing this problem, she will utilize one of her favorite defense-mechanisms. Bitter Holly's favorite defense-mechanism is to ignore it and hope it will go away. Bitter Holly tries to continue her life even though her fruit bowl is sitting in partial darkness.

Bitter Holly gets out of bed each morning despite her fruit bowl sitting in partial darkness. Bitter Holly goes through the motions of daily life despite her fruit bowl sitting in partial darkness. Bitter Holly goes to bed each night despite her fruit bowl sitting in partial darkness (well, really at night it is in total darkness, but the pain is just the same).

As the days pass it seems easier to adjust to the fruit bowl situation.

In fact, one day Bitter Holly is invited to an important meeting at her child's school. At this important meeting Bitter Holly will see other adults. At this important meeting Bitter Holly will sit with other adults. At this important meeting Bitter Holly will talk with other adults. Sign Bitter Holly up.

At this important meeting with other adults, Bitter Holly tries to act responsible, smart and capable. She tries to think before she speaks. She is glad she wore the skirt today. She is even keeping her bitterness in check. She is feeling very blended-in when:

RING! RING! RING! Bitter Holly pities the poor person who forgot to turn off their cell phone. Crap. That would be Bitter Holly.

Bitter Holly scrambles for the phone causing purse contents to scatter. Bitter Holly is drawing a lot of unwanted attention to herself. At this very moment, Bitter Holly doesn't look very responsible, smart or capable. That just adds to the bitterness that Bitter Holly is no longer keeping in check. Bitter Holly locates the phone and flings herself into the adjoining hall.

Bitter Holly is sure that anyone calling to interrupt her important meeting with other adults must be bleeding or in peril. She answers the emergency call. The emergency call is from the electrician that installed her right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness is at Bitter Holly's home right now.


To be continued...
Will Bitter Holly throw her fancy phone across the hall adjoining the meeting with other adults?
Is the fruit bowl destined to sit in partial darkness?
How long can Holly stretch this story out?
Tune into the Nirvana here to find out.

Dear blog-Stedman,
You have known me for 18 1/2 years now and that has given you a long and persuasive argument that I ride the short bus in the technology department. You have always set up the new computers, TVs, TiVos, Replay TVs, VCRs, DVD players, Sonos, video games, and many other black boxes with buttons that I can't name. It is true I interact with Comcast, DirectTV, and Time Warner after you tell me what to say, but even their 19 year old phone bank employee sitting in India named "Bob" knows that I am a fake. I am requesting further inservice on our equipment. This is what I need to know how to do:
1. I would like to be able to change the channels on the TV.
2. I would like to record Project Runway once a week, but could give 24 hr. notice.
3. I would like to be able to make and receive phone calls on both my home and cell phone.
4. I would like to be able to get on the computer to write a blog and read other's.

Is that too much to ask? Really, compared to all the tasks that are possible with our electronic set-up, I am a simple girl.

I am writing because today I am 1/4 on my list. I think it is obvious that I have only been able to access my blog. My home phone isn't working in my bathroom, my Project Runway didn't record last week and most disturbingly, I AM UNABLE TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL ON THE TV for the boys. Great, they are subjected to another "A Baby Story"--that won't come back to haunt us later. I have tried the 6 remotes at the TV, switched the input, cross-identified the 6 remotes at the TV, switched the input, held my tongue out while balancing on one leg while entertaining 3 boys about to witness a live screen birth, turn down the sound (because all that screaming is disturbing to me as well) and nothing. I give up...Oh, good...another episode of "A Baby Story"...

With love and irritated kisses,
Holly

Please note morning shower written today and then read on for part II...

dark water rising
soap bubbles swirl and grab me
drain is clogged again

Craaaaap. What would June do? Yes, she would call Ward at work who would then arrange a friendly plumber to come to the house in the evening when he is home. WWHD? I, on the other hand will probably get the plumbing snake out of the garage and try to handle this like a real woman.

Excuse me while I go place 3 boys in time-out for playing with the remaining snow globes....arghhhhh!

stay tuned...

I got a bill in the mail last week from an electrician that came out to fix two undercabinet lights in my kitchen and to see why the puck lights in my cabinet were burning out in a day or two. When I arranged for the appointment I got up under the cabinet to read off all the information on the light fixtures to the electrician so he knew what he was getting into. It took 3 weeks for someone to finally show up (no-showed twice and then showed up unannounced). When he got there he didn't have what he needed so he left and came back that same day. He ended up changing 5 lightbulbs, but didn't fix the undercabinet lights because he needed a part--he did change the lightbulbs there which is pretty useless since they don't work. He said he would be back with the part 3 weeks ago. I got the bill...$279.50! They charged me 3 units of labor for 2 men to change 5 lightbulbs. I, of course, called to question the bill and guess what?? No one has returned my calls! So, back to the age old question...how many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?