June Cleaver Nirvana

Holly has been doing a lot of thinking. Holly has been doing extensive investigating. Holly finds that the best solution to her problem may be installing one of these:



Holly has decided that a porta-potty, johnnie-on-the-spot, porta-john may be her only option. She has decided that this is the location for her new purchase:



Why would Holly who lives in a lovely suburban neighborhood in a house that could (but doesn't) have a white picket fence with complete indoor plumbing choose to install a porta-potty, johnnie-on-the-spot, porta-john?



It might have something to do with the plunger that is permanently attached to Holly's left arm. Holly's left arm is tired of plunging. Holly has noticed that she is starting to choose outfits in the morning based on whether they match the plunger attached permanently to her left arm.

Holly is wearing green hoping that her green-wearing karma will overcome her low-flow toilet hating soul. Holly's low-flow toilet hating soul is dark, very dark. Holly's low-flow toilet hating soul is deep, very deep. Holly's low-flow toilet hating soul is attached to a body sporting a plunger as a permanent fixture.

Holly's low-flow toilets seem to have something against the act of flushing.



Hey low-flow toilets...why are you so anti-flush?

Holly also wonders what is the point of low-flow toilets if she has to attempt flushing them three kazillion times with intermittent plunging. Ironically Coincidentally, that is the exact same decibel (three kazillion) Holly's voice hits when she hears, "Mommy! The toilet isn't working!"

So, until Al Gore dedicates his life to plunging Holly's low-flow toilets or suitable alternatives in the United States of Low-Flow Toilets (US of LF T) are legal. Holly is planning this drastic action.

Holly will no longer allow people to use the INDOOR toilets. Holly will lead them to the OUTDOOR toilet which never needs plunging despite the level of crap.



Holly can only hope that the proximity to the patio of the new porta-potty, johnny-on-the-spot, porta-john could encourage its use by a certain Holly's dog...

I am going to do a little bragging here.

I rock.

I have a feeling of accomplishment that cannot be overstated.

Birds are singing.

So are angel choirs.

I didn't think it was possible.

Some days the impossible happens.

Some days karma just seems to smile.

Some days karma smiles while birds and angels sing.

Today is that day.

*bask in it*

*bask in it*

*bask in it*

I, Holly here at the Nirvana, successfully without breaking anything, without referring to any written material, without using any naughty words transformed Reid(4)'s Optimus Prime into the tow truck.

*bow*

Thank you. Thank you very much.

*bow*

Really, thank you. I know! I know!

*bow*

Seriously, people. Thank you!

*bow*

Thanks again.

*bow*

OK, I think I have milked this long enough (although, here at the Nirvana no dead horse goes UNbeaten).

*bow*

ENOUGH! It isn't like I put together a piece of IKEA furniture or anything...

Yes, it is Monday which can only mean one thing...Potluck day! Yeah! Today I am throwing a potluck filled with shock and awe because of this:

I have no shame and take issue with the great Groucho Marx who once proclaimed, "I would not join any club that would have someone like me for a member." I think I made that point clear in the email I sent Alltop begging to be included:

Hi,
I love what you are doing and would love to be considered in the mommyblog category. I write June Cleaver Nirvana.

This is why you need me:
I am smart, cute and funny.
And modest (well, in real life I dress modestly…).
I draw a mean stick-figure.

Thanks,
Holly
www.junecleavernirvana.blogspot.com

PS—Think of all the publicity Alltop will receive when I snap someday and end up on the 6 o’clock news. You can have the story FIRST and then proudly proclaim that you “knew me when…”

I think I swayed them with that PS.

The dear people at Alltop responded by sending me a lovely email that ended with this PS:

PS.
We'd much rather you mention Alltop during your acceptance speech at the next Bloggers Choice Awards! :)

To which I now reply: Me too, but really, which is more likely?
Ya, I would stay close to your TV if I were you.

Today's potluck food is homemade strawberry jam. We will have to visit TX Poppet for more since I ate the entire jar she canned and gave to me (in one sitting--is that wrong?). Yummmm. I will also have to go to the bakery and get some more fresh bread because I ate all of that too.

Ryan(7)'s closest friend was over this afternoon to play. She came running into the kitchen with the following question, "Holly, is Ryan married?"

And now for a brand spanking new Nirvana feature:
POTATOES.

And as if potatoes weren't exciting enough, I am rolling out yet another new feature:


Crapicity: a state of crappiness in which Holly's perkiness factor decreases dramatically.
Today's crapicity inspired the artwork above. Is it my lack of sleep or has the degree of difficulty on word verification jumped significantly in the last few days? Over the weekend I was word verificationized multiple times on multiple blogs. On several occasions I have just stared at the screen thinking there is no way I am going to get this right.


Wow. This week was a bit weird on the Google front. Someone entered the Nirvana after googling, "catchy waffle slogans". The weird thing is that I love waffles and would have totally posted catchy waffle slogans if I knew there was such a Google need for such things. Note to self: write and post some catchy waffle slogans to boost Nirvana ranking ASAP. Another dear reader arrived after googling, "nirvana sweat pants". Just weird. But my favorite this week has to be "we aint no June Cleavers". Yes, you are right. We aint and June would have phrased that much differently.

I come from the "you don't want me to say three" style of parenting. At 3 bad things tend to happen. Reid(4) was overhearing my count...ONE...TWO...for his older brother's benefit when he muttered the following under his breath, "And now for our bonus number...three".

Is there a number at which GoogleReader stops counting?

If anyone finds my A game, please let me know where I lost it. I'll give you to the count of three...

For me?


DIY Stained glass...





Please visit Weekly Winner hostess, Lotus at Sarcastic Mom for more photos.

Part I is here.

We left Bitter Holly in the hallway adjoining the important meeting room where she was sitting with other adults. She is talking on an emergency phone call from the electrician that installed her right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. He showed up at her house about 133 hours outside of the given 12 hour service window.

Bitter Holly soon figures out that the electrician that installed her right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness was not paying attention when she told him what was wrong, the product number and the serial number on the phone. This makes Bitter Holly a bit more bitter.

Bitter Holly's reading audience will be relieved that she did previously attempt to change the light bulb and had ruled that out as a cause of the fruit bowl situation.

The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness doesn't have the right part to fix the problem. He is going to go to his super secret electrician location to find the part and return later that day when Bitter Holly is home.

Later that day in Holly's sunny suburban neighborhood in a house that could (but doesn't) have a white picket fence...

Yeah! The electrician returns.

Imagine Bitter Holly's shock when the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness says that the light is not working. Wow. Add super observant to his job title*.

*For the purposes of this story, I am not adding super observant to his job title because I think his current title is long enough. Feel free to take note of this change and at home use whichever title you prefer.*

Uh-oh. The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness still doesn't have the proper part even after a trip to his super secret electrician location.

He offers to change out a few bulbs that are burned out. He also changes the bulbs in the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. Bitter Holly doesn't ask questions. Bitter Holly bitterly looks on. Bitter, bitter Holly.

The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness states that he will return with the proper part after ordering it from the super secret electrician location. He says he will call Bitter Holly when it is received.

Bitter Holly knows she will never see him again. Bitter Holly is facing the new fruit bowl reality.

Bitter Holly would have waved when he left, but she was using all her energy being really, super duper, extra-strength, extraordinarily bitter:


A few weeks later...
Bitter Holly stomped out to get the mail (that is what bitter people do). Bitter Holly notices an envelope from the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness:

Huh? Bitter Holly looks a little closer:

Bitter Holly looks and sees that $279.50 was billed for changing 4 light bulbs. Bitter Holly also notices that she was charged for the labor of 2 men. Bitter Holly wonders if one of the electricians was invisible. Bitter Holly wonders if the invisible electrician might have been able to fix her right under-cabinet light if she was able to locate him. She assumes he must be at the super secret electrician location.

Bitter Holly has this reaction:

Bitter Holly Rolls On the Floor with Laughter (ROFL). Bitter Holly rolls. Bitter Holly laughs. Bitter Holly is down-right hysterical. Bitter Holly continues to giggle for days. Holly, the artist, formerly known as Bitter Holly* laughs so long that the bitter label no longer is applicable.

*Yes, Holly plans on using this joke every time. Quite honestly, she can't help herself.*

Holly then decides to spread the cheer by calling the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness.

The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness did not find the whole situation as funny as Holly did. He did agree not to charge Holly $279.50 for changing 4 light bulbs. He did agree that Holly would not be charged anything until the problem was actually fixed. Holly got the impression that a big black mark would be going through her name and posted by the phone at the super secret electrician location. That is OK with Holly. She isn't bitter about it or anything.

Legend has it that if you visit Holly's house today you will see this:

Holly let the left under-cabinet light bulbs burn out. Now the darkness is symmetrical which makes Holly much happier. Holly's fruit bowl is empty which is OK because you can't properly appreciate all that fruit when it is so dark.

On Monday we went to a museum with a group of other moms. On the way home both boys fell asleep. In the driveway I stopped and took this picture:

Yesterday we went to a neighbor's house to learn and play with friends. On the way home Rhett(2) melted. He screamed the entire way home. In the driveway I sped up hoping to end the torture as quickly as possible.

The screaming continued into the house and I made a decision that he was more in need of a nap then food so I just carried him upstairs to his crib. Whew. He settled down immediately once alone in the dark.

I walked down the stairs to find Reid(4) sitting on the bottom step. I sat down beside him and scooped him onto my lap.

Me: Does it bother you when Rhett cries?
Reid: Yes
Me: Me too.
Reid: It seems like a thousand Rhetts crying.

It is funny where empathy is found...

Our legend begins in a sunny suburban neighborhood in a house that could (but doesn't) have a white picket fence. Holly who is naturally perky enters her kitchen and turns on the lights. Hmmmm...something doesn't look right to Holly. Her fruit bowl is sitting in partial darkness.

Hey that isn't right thinks Holly. She starts to formulate a plan of action.

Good thinking Holly! She places a call to the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness.

Holly is very thorough. She wants the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness to understand exactly what he needs to fix. Holly has a bit of experience with people who come to fix things and don't have the proper part.

Oh goody! Holly loves it when a company gives her a service window. The bigger the better!

Two weeks later...
Holly has her to do list ready.

Uh-oh. Holly notices that the to do list is comprised of things that need to be done OUTSIDE of the home. She is not sure what time she can leave the home because she is expecting the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. Holly will just wait at home for the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness and then do her errands after he leaves.

Uh-oh. Holly waited for 12 hours. Holly did not leave the house. Holly did not complete any of her to do list. Holly did not see any electrician, let alone the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness.

Holly decides she might need to call the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness to re-schedule since it appears that today's 12 hour window wasn't large enough for him to visit her.

Holly is very thorough. She wants the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness to understand exactly what he needs to fix. Holly has a bit of experience with people who come to fix things and don't have the proper part.

Oh goody! Holly loves it when a company gives her a service window for the second time. The bigger the better!

Two weeks later...
Yep, you guessed it. The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing Holly's fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness did not show up. Holly is pretty mad. Holly is so fretful she can't discuss it further. Holly made this handy dandy reference chart for your review:

Holly looks at the handy dandy reference chart for your review and realizes that she is bitter.

Holly is so very, very bitter that she can't even face calling the electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. Bitter Holly decides that instead of facing this problem, she will utilize one of her favorite defense-mechanisms. Bitter Holly's favorite defense-mechanism is to ignore it and hope it will go away. Bitter Holly tries to continue her life even though her fruit bowl is sitting in partial darkness.

Bitter Holly gets out of bed each morning despite her fruit bowl sitting in partial darkness. Bitter Holly goes through the motions of daily life despite her fruit bowl sitting in partial darkness. Bitter Holly goes to bed each night despite her fruit bowl sitting in partial darkness (well, really at night it is in total darkness, but the pain is just the same).

As the days pass it seems easier to adjust to the fruit bowl situation.

In fact, one day Bitter Holly is invited to an important meeting at her child's school. At this important meeting Bitter Holly will see other adults. At this important meeting Bitter Holly will sit with other adults. At this important meeting Bitter Holly will talk with other adults. Sign Bitter Holly up.

At this important meeting with other adults, Bitter Holly tries to act responsible, smart and capable. She tries to think before she speaks. She is glad she wore the skirt today. She is even keeping her bitterness in check. She is feeling very blended-in when:

RING! RING! RING! Bitter Holly pities the poor person who forgot to turn off their cell phone. Crap. That would be Bitter Holly.

Bitter Holly scrambles for the phone causing purse contents to scatter. Bitter Holly is drawing a lot of unwanted attention to herself. At this very moment, Bitter Holly doesn't look very responsible, smart or capable. That just adds to the bitterness that Bitter Holly is no longer keeping in check. Bitter Holly locates the phone and flings herself into the adjoining hall.

Bitter Holly is sure that anyone calling to interrupt her important meeting with other adults must be bleeding or in peril. She answers the emergency call. The emergency call is from the electrician that installed her right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness. The electrician that installed the right under-cabinet light that is currently causing her fruit bowl to sit in partial darkness is at Bitter Holly's home right now.


To be continued...
Will Bitter Holly throw her fancy phone across the hall adjoining the meeting with other adults?
Is the fruit bowl destined to sit in partial darkness?
How long can Holly stretch this story out?
Tune into the Nirvana here to find out.

Yes, Friends of Nirvana the bondage called Blog365 has been broken. Holly is now free to blog at her own pace. Let's all circle around, join hands and have a little Kum by Ya chorus. Oh, I am so kidding....I did end the Blog365 madness, but I am really not a touchy person so forget the circle, the hand holding and the chorus. Let's just shout with a joyful voice because today is...*drum roll*...

Potluck day!

Today's extravaganza of extraordinary freeness will be held in a field of daisies on a red checkered table cloth. My seven children will sing Do-Re-Mi followed by an elaborate puppet show three children will delight you with knock knock jokes that all end in "orange you glad..." followed by some bathroom humor that will get them sent to their rooms for time-out which will give us some peace and quiet for the potluck.

In honor of my lovely Saturday night out with fellow bloggers, I am providing food from the nice Italian restaurant where we met:
(Left to right: Me, Lisa, TX Poppet, AFF and Elaine)
We really didn't sit all in a row like we were on a blog panel. I also didn't forget my camera, but like 99% of all photos taken of me...my eyes are closed. It was a really fun evening. These girls are very funny. It was a bonus to find out that Lisa was thrilled to ride in the minivan of death that looks like a boat from above.



As you know, I have had some issues with Google. Some recent Google searches have ended here terribly wrong. BUT today I am singing the praises of the search engine powerful because it sent me someone who searched, "cute kids pictures with great expressions". Good Google. Good Google.

Another momentous moment in Nirvana-Google history also occurred with the search of the word "horridity" which I invented a few months ago and proclaimed:
"*I realize this is not a word, but someday someone will Google it and find this and use it and then another and another and someday you will use it with full knowledge that you heard it here first."
--Holly, January 2008

Well, this week it happened! Someone searched my word "horridity" and ended up at the Nirvana. In research for this highly researched post, I found that I am the second site that comes up for "horridity". I am right after the UrbanDictionary which has listed it for years...crap. Crapicity. Yep, that one is mine. Take that UrbanDictionary. Oh, and Google I better be listed FIRST when the "crapicity" search comes around.

It has come to my attention that my floor was complaining about me. Ixnay the itchingbay or I am buying a bird:
This is what Jenny came home to yesterday after being away from home for a few days (and her kids weren't even home yet). Thank God she had the blogger presence to snap a picture before cleaning it up.

Let's revisit the hypothetical mother who hypothetically locked her hypothetical three children on the hypothetical back porch for a hypothetical moment of silence:

This picture sums up the hypothetical children:
The oldest stands at the door complaining and screaming.
The middle child sits down waiting patiently for change.
The youngest takes action attempting to break back in the house.

Ryan asked today while chomping down on a drumstick, "If this is part of the chicken's leg, what is he walking on?"

And this joyful potluck will end on this life is grand moment:

Welcome home cousin Benjamin...

Visit more Weekly Winners over at Sarcastic Mom's place...